#50 - Breaking apart.

It took me a long time to decide if i should go ahead with this entry but what happened last Saturday kinda shook me up a bit hence this entry.

Prior to meeting, bercinta2 sampai tunang dengan the boy, i was actually engaged to another guy, Mr T.

We got engaged in 2007 and was supposed to get married in Oct 2009. But i broke off the Engagement on November 2008.

It took me a long time to tell my parents about it.
Back then, i was very sure, i did not want to proceed with the wedding. I was very sure Mr T is not The One.

Mr T was a very nice guy (he still is actually). In fact, lots of my friends actually reprimanded me
for breaking off the engagement 11 months before the wedding itself.

No doubts about it, he is a very nice guy, a man of few words, jarang marah2, takde banyak kawan perempuan. Senang cakap, siapa dapat dia untung lah.

I had a series of bad relationship before i met Mr T. Hence, when he came along, i thought he was The One. He was so different from all the guys i have went out with.
He was so patient with all my mood swings, he never raised his voice with me, he never try to argue with me. To him, i'm always right.

Which was good. Only for awhile.

After we got engaged and we started the preparations, i begin to see his traits as a negative one.
Macam tak kena dengan my personality. He gives way to me all the time, even if it is so ridiculous. At times, i would just test his patience, just to see how far can he go. Trust me, he has a high-tolerance for my nonsense.

I keep telling myself, that it's good but i know deep inside, i want my husband to have a stronger hold on me. My kepala ada satu besar peh batu duduk kat dalam.

So i either get a husband who can tolerate and keep quiet about that batu besar or i get a husband who have an equally batu besar kat kepala and help me to keep things in check.

During our engagements, we rarely fought. In fact, if you ask me, kita tak pernah ada major fights. Because he always give in to me. Tak pernah nak cakap tak boleh. Mesti boleh.

He leaves all decision to me. Everytime i asked for opinions, he would say "sembarang lah yang, kalau u suka, i pun suka".

To be really honest, i got sick of it. Lama2 i saw him as someone yang takde pendirian hidup.
He would just follow whatever i tell him to do.

I began to slowly drift away from him. Kadang2 call dia sekali je sehari. Kadang2 tak call, sms je.

What made me decided to broke off the engagement was, one day, i totally forgot to sms him.
Not that i didn't want to, but i totally forgot about him. I forgot his existence in my life.
I knew then, that if i could forget about him, he really does not mean much to me after all.
Hari tu jugak, i sms him, to meet. I told him it's not working out and we should call off the wedding.

He cried and i was tempted to take back my words. I sympathised with him.
But, i wasn't in love anymore. I had no feelings for him anymore.

Friends told me it could be just Wedding Jitters. So i gave myself few weeks to think it through.
But i still oculd not ignite that sparks i had last time. zilch.

The love and feelings i had for him, gone.

I found it hard to explain to people why i felt that way. BUt at that time, i knew definitely, i had no feelings for him and i just couldn't see myself with him 10 years later.

My friends couldn't understand but they were supportive of my decision.
Informing my parents about it was very difficult. I couldn't muster the courage to tell my mom.
I only told them about it 3 months after i called off the wedding.

Seriously tak tau nak cakap apa. But surprisingly, they did not even scold me for it.
They were very calm and supportive and while they didn't exactly say that they saw it coming, somehow, they couldn't figure out why i was with him in the first place cos we did not complement each other very well.

But being parents, they just want to see me happy. If they think i'm happy with my choice, they wouldn't wanna interfere.

Mr T had it worst. He began calling my friends and asked them why i had a change of heart.

Till today, i still say that it was the best decision i have ever made in my life.
I still cannot see myself with him. I cannot envision waking up to him every morning, making coffee for him and acting happy.

My relatives were ok, tak de yang mulut laser, cakap bukan2 depan aku.
Tapi, belakang aku tak tau ah. But to be honest, i was mentally prepared for that and apa orang nak cakap, cakap je lah. Aku peduli apa. Aku yang nak kahwin nanti, yang sengsara nanti pun aku, bukan dorang amik kisah pun nanti!

I had to be strong for myself. I did not even cry after that. I just felt relieved it's all over and i can stop pretending.

Why did i bring this up was because of what happened last Saturday.
I had a breakdown and cried in front of the boy, who was totally caught off guard cos i cried for no reason.

There was so many things going on with the wedding preparations, the finances, the house and all that. I bottled that up and one day it just got over me.

But i was glad, the boy was very understanding of it.
He grabbed a cup of Coke, told me to drink it and cry it all out.
He told me to tell him what's up when i'm ready.

When he wiped my tears away and assured me everything is gonna be alright and he loves me lots, I know, this boy, he is the one.

I know i can depend on him to keep things in check. To tell me, everything is gonna be alright.
When he says he loves me, i believe him. Really i do and i can't wait to start my life with him. :)